"Don't look at me that waaaay..."

I've been trying to write a blog for a good few days now. Many subjects have entered into my head as things to off-load. They include: an upper middle class colleague of mine who is so painfully snooty, into Prada, 4 holildays a year, daddy's credit card, blah blah blah who has been winding me up of late. Luckily she's off to Florida on her 3rd holiday of the year...so a bit of peace is on its way. Another topic was the nightmare housing situation that me and Evan are in - its stressful and worrying but its changing continuously so I'm just gonna wait till its all final and then talk about it. And the other was the fact that I'm thinking of going back to writing again. I had a brief stint as a music journalist. It was cool and everything, and I certainly enjoyed telling people that thats what I did for a living but essentially I waitressed too and I wasn't very good and the final straw was having to review Papa Roach at Brixton on a Monday night with the Murderdolls in support. I totally slagged it off (obviously) and the magazine I was writing for didn't believe in giving negative reviews so changed it to look like I loved them. CUNTS!!!!
Its a pie in the sky idea at the moment but one I'm definitely thinking about. I think I'm better than I was - I know more - and have more of an understanding of the world generally so maybe I could make it work. Just scared that I'd end up waitressing again. I vowed never to waitress again as not only was I totally shit but I'm not very good with the general public. They're a bunch of absolute wankers.

But in the end I decided to focus my attention to an absolute genius piece of television last night. 'Grumpy Old Women'. I think this is the spin off from 'Grumpy Old Men' and involves a bunch of well to do successful celebrity women bitching and moaning about stuff. Men being the main topic. I could give or take all that stereotypical mumbo-jumbo and was about to switch it over when the glorious Janet Street Porter came on and in rant about shopping in Tescos had this to say:
"The thing I hate most about Tesco shopping is all the fat people there. I want to give up my job and be the fat police in Tesco, going around and stealthy hijacking their trollies, taking out all the biscuits and custard tarts, and chips, and crisps and chocolate and all the things that they shouldn't be eating out and replace it with fresh fruit and veg."

It got me to thinking - what an amazing job. I would love that. I already have a spy coat and I look good in hats and my shades so I can be like a spy, hiding behind tins of soup, and pyramids of cereal boxes, sneakily replenshing trollies with organic goods in replace of cookie mix and lard. The more successful I became the more I could franchise out into other supermarkets and soon the ever-increasing weight problems that this country faces will decrease and the general health will improve, meaning the whole country will improve, and I will be awarded a knighthood for impeccable services to humankind.

There'll be a statue

An annual national holiday

Maybe even a street named after me

Maybe...